Actual report just now

SENT this email to my oncologist a moment ago. Subject: A quick report on a lymphoma of astounding indolence.

Good morning, Dr. Barth,

My lymphoma doesn’t care that I’ve been digging foundation holes in the backyard. Too lazy to even notice.

When we bought the place in 1987, I thought what this house really needs is two 12’ x 28’ porches out back, one off the walk-out basement and one above. Finally getting around to it.

Except nowadays I won’t build them myself. My son-in-law owns a construction company, let the young men lug floor joists up a ladder.

I dug four holes 68 inches deep. Knocked together a plank ladder for climbing out.
Any opinion on whether this might be a little-known side effect to the first Pfizer shot? It’s occurred to me that maybe I just think we’re building porches out back… Maybe I think I’m going to find the Bonded Vault loot, or Jimmy Hoffa.

Getting the second shot on Wednesday, will let you know. In the meantime: four more places where Jimmy Hoffa isn’t.

Cheers,
Tony

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About Tony

The occasional scribblings of Tony DePaul, father, grandfather, husband, freelance writer in many forms, recovering journalist, long-distance motorcycle rider, blue routes wanderer, topo map bushwhacker, blah blah...
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36 Responses to Actual report just now

  1. Robert says:

    Tony, One last question. You mention the “Bonded Vault Loot”. Some time ago, a friend who lives in Rhode Island (Bristol) sent me a copy of a book on the Bonded Vault robbery. I read it, send it on to my son who likes Big Caper stories.

    As I recall two reporters from Rhode Island wrote the book. Did you have a hand in its writing? Did you know the reporters? It was a pretty good yarn, and I am amazed that anyone would try such a thing in this day and age.

    • Tony says:

      Good morning, Robert. Yeah it was sort of a Wild West stickup in 1975. Before my time. I got to the Journal in ’86. I haven’t read the book.

      I knew Randy Richard. Wayne Worcester had left the paper by the time I got there. Tim White, he’s a TV guy and younger than we ink-stained wretches, I never knew him. I left the paper 15 years ago, don’t have much opportunity to interact with local media people nowadays.

  2. William Stenger says:

    Geez Tony, how much concrete is it going to take to fill those holes? You could support a railroad bridge on those things! Btw, really like the plank/ladder you put together, pretty clever.
    Will

  3. Mari Nelson says:

    Permit Shmermit
    West Side Rules
    🙌🔥💪
    Love to you guys

    • Tony says:

      Aha! Yes! What goes on on the West Side stays on the West Side. I’d forgotten about West Side Rules.

      (West Side, readers, is the West Side of Lake Cushman, just over the Hood Canal on the Olympic Peninsula. A favorite stop on the iron piggy journeys, lo, these many years.)

  4. Donna Weber says:

    Tony – only you would be out there digging perfectly square 68″ deep holes for fun…porches will be wonderful & welcomed though! We’re hoping to see R.I. family soon – Facetime just isn’t the same as grandkid hugs in person. Hope to catch up w/ you and Pam too one of these days! New hip for the old gray guy this month. He’ll be dancing a jig soon…..!

  5. Robert says:

    I couldn’t resist. Billy Collins would have loved it!

    A quick report on a lymphoma of astounding indolence.

    Good morning, Dr. Barth,

    My lymphoma doesn’t care
    that I’ve been digging foundation holes in the backyard.

    Too lazy to even notice.

    When we bought the place in 1987
    I thought what this house really needs
    is two 12’ x 28’ porches out back,
    one off the walk-out basement
    and one above.

    Finally getting around to it.
    Except nowadays I won’t build them myself.
    My son-in-law owns a construction company,
    let the young men lug floor joists up a ladder.

    I dug four holes 68 inches deep.
    Knocked together a plank ladder for climbing out.

    Any opinion on whether this might be
    a little-known side effect to the first Pfizer shot?

    It’s occurred to me that maybe I just think we’re building porches out back…
    Maybe I think I’m going to find the Bonded Vault loot, or Jimmy Hoffa.

    Getting the second shot on Wednesday,
    will let you know.

    In the meantime:
    four more places where Jimmy Hoffa isn’t.

  6. Robert says:

    Tony, there’s a cadence to your letter. I think you wrote a poem.

    I like to think of you and your family sitting on the porch, sipping lemonade in the summer. All of that hard work is going to lead to some wonderful inactivity.

    Missed your writing! Thanks!

    Robert

  7. Claire says:

    My ESP is in full force. Just yesterday, I was wondering when you would post something. Good to know that you are going full tilt!

    • Tony says:

      Thanks for being on the lookout, Claire. I hope to start scribbling from the road again at some point, but that’s 2022 I would think.

  8. CCjon says:

    Have the EPA – DOE – OSHA been informed there is a guy digging his own coal in RI? Better have your hard hat, rope rescue line, harness and two-way radio on at all times with that mining/excavation project. Does your City Engineering Department permit have the proper and correct number of signatures? Is it posted in a prominent visible location street-side? Have you called 24 hrs in advance for the required 6″ progression inspections?

    Is the Historical and Preservation Society monitoring this antiquity dig? The State Treasury/Taxation Department lay claim to all items of value uncovered.

    Better also call the Department of Diversity, Woke Groups and PC Crowd, the Round Hole Society are feeling discriminated against. Square Hole Privilege has gone too far, causing undo feelings of inferiority to the Rounds. Equality requires that half the holes be round, but retribution demands that an additional hole also be round to compensate for past digging injustice. Therefore only one square hole is permitted. Fill in the other squares and re-dig round…

    Oh man, you have dug yourself into quite a square hole…

    • Tony says:

      Haha… I’m in trouble you can’t even imagine, amigo. No permit whatsoever so far. The plans were emailed to the Building Department Friday. If challenged on pre-permit excavation work, I’m going to stress my, uh, spirit of proactive-ness.

  9. Donna Lee says:

    Love your sense of humor and determination, Tony. Keep on digging.

  10. Bob Weeks says:

    Tony, that looks like pretty hard digging. Many different layers. Not too likely you can poke a shovel in the ground here at this time. There is still snow on the ground. The river just opened up this morning.

    • Tony says:

      Hey, Bob. True, some of those layers are tough. I broke them up with a heavy digging bar. Then it’s just a matter of picking up the loosened soil in the clamshell digger, filling a bucket, lifting the bucket and dumping it over the side.

      Saw your snow sled build online. Nice work.

  11. Jan Nelson says:

    So when will you next be one mile from the Pacific?

    • Tony says:

      There’s talk of the autumn but it’s just background chatter so far, I think, among Jenna and Jonny and Pam. Something about us driving the kids’ van out and leaving it with the Nelsons.

  12. Peter Howard says:

    Those piers are still going to be there in 1000 years. It does sound like you’re getting your strength back after the chemical warfare on your lymphoma.
    I’ve often looked at pics of the bikes and the truck covered in icicles in the snowy wastes and thought that what you really need is a nice shed/workshop with a wood stove. Keep warm chopping and hauling wood for the stove, y’know.
    What’s the trouble? No room to really put a shed? Can’t be bothered? The bride doesn’t want a shed in front of the house?
    The Phantom Sunday has just started where GWW walks right past Babudan like a zombie. Don’t think I have seen Jeff Weigel’s take on Guran and Babudan before and I have to say that he has nailed their character design while retaining his own style which is quite distinct from that of Mike M. You got a fine pair of collaborators there.

    • Tony says:

      Jeff’s really interested in native costuming. He’s been a little reluctant to fiddle much with the Bandar, given that they’re so central to the Phantom universe. I’ve suggested that he go for it and make his mark as he sees fit. I really like his take on Babudan in that first week of the new yarn.

      Given his interest in all things tribal, as we speak I’m writing him a new story centered mostly on the Mori tribe. Very eager to see what he does with that.

      Ah, a heated garage, Peter! In my next life, maybe.

  13. Jim Marlett says:

    Good grief! I thought I overbuilt things. At least with you digging them, they will most likely be in the right place. The contractor that built our back porch wasn’t a very good shot when it came to holes.

    • Tony says:

      It’s a pretty good system with the 28″ x 28″ footing forms topped with a 12″ diameter sonotube. If you need to adjust all you do is undercut the bottom of the hole a bit and slide the whole works over.

  14. Uncle Bill says:

    Your message on Palm Sunday gives new meaning to this holey day.

  15. Nicole says:

    This is going to be one sturdy-ass porch!

    • Tony says:

      Your dad the architect drew such nice plans for us I wanted the foundation to be first rate. Our local building code says 42 inches is deep enough. I figured dig half-again as far, all the better.

      Code doesn’t require footings under the concrete piers. Doesn’t require rebar in the piers. We’ll have both.

  16. Dennis says:

    That’s one big hole.

  17. Chris Whitney says:

    As a politician might say, Let me be the first to congratulate you on your lymphoma’s indolence, and marvel at your amazing ability to dig ridiculously square and deep holes.

    • Tony says:

      Heh… yeah the kind of hole that William Holden disappears into. If I ever run into any of you bums on a street corner, just let’s pretend we never met before.

  18. Brad says:

    Jesus, I’m in awe of those holes you dug. By hand. Respect. Brad.

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